What an incredible journey this past week has been. I received a call from one of my children last Thursday to let me know she was making what I initially felt was a sudden and very serious lifestyle change. It took me to my knees for many reasons that I initially did not understand. While child has spent the past week sorting through choices and awakenings, this old mom has been introspecting and trying hard to understand my own pain response to her challenges.
First issue I had to address was how much attention should I give and how much should I respect this 20-something's space. I am not good and never will be good at staying away from a child (no matter the age) in pain. I burned up the phone line, sent texts and generally made a pest of myself. I have never been able to let my children's suffering and/or pain roll off from me. Never have, and never will--I learned that this week. Subject to instant weepy spells and remorse I could only focus on the exquisiteness of the relationship that will be taking a hiatus while the individuals in it spend time on their separate issues.
Having spent 23 years madly loving and cheering my intensely sensitive and resilient child, I wanted to hold her close while the tears came and wipe the tears away (I still do). It took all my restraint to stay put and let the young adult life take its course; after all, two smart, loving and caring people were in it and it is theirs.
I asked my family and friends for prayers and advice.
The prayers were heard as child found her voice and focus increased.
The advice I received from family and friends was as diverse as the hearts of the writers were generous. Oh my word. I read each response (which is going into a collage for child) and sobbed at work, as I read them. I am crying as I write this. 53 years old and crying for the first time for days of my own, where I stumbled horribly, lost eons more than I gained emotionally, many decades ago.
During this past week I came to clearly understand how blessed I am to have a large and generous circle of friends and family. The responses to my request for auntly advice came right away and each one full of depth. Each one was carefully crafted and contained loving messages to me and my child. We are sooooo lucky, child and I to be covered by these friends and the loving power above us. The messages sometime came into my email box within seconds of each other and it quickly was clear, I am fortunate to walk this planet as part of a circle where these open-hearted friends and family reside.
I also clearly came to understand, I dont have to, like I chose to do when I was a young, confused girl in my 20s, walk through the painful parts of life all alone. My family and friends were at my ear, eye and finger tip, almost instantaneously, just for the asking.
I also this week came to understand that many of the hot and uncontrollable tears were 25 years stored and were just now, for reasons I still cant articulate, being released. During those early years of change, I felt I only had the end of the world to look forward to each day when I divorced my big kid's dad and started a new life.
Everything, every routine, every thought I had of a picket fenced life disappeared when I chose to live a life on my own, without alcohol. In the course of reclaiming my sanity and life, I initially lost custody of my big kids for a period of time. There was never nor will ever be, no deeper, unmovable sorrow than this one.
And through the long period where hate prevailed, friends of my ex-spouse spit on me, called me names in public and tried their best to keep me from finding peace, happiness and a better life, I never, during these two decades, cried...until this week.
I talked to oldest child whose insight always piques my brain. I was informed while I always mean well (and this was said with love and predictable candor) that I generally am only able to dispense advice based on my experiences that was sometimes not especially helpful and sometimes, not even pertinent.
That made me not only laugh and think--yep...that is all I got in my parental toolkit...ideas and wisdom based on my not so well lived (for a period of years) life. I laughed and laughed and also forced me to think and think.
The conclusion at this juncture, is I will always just react genuinely to my children, husband, family and friends. That is all I got. And what I lack in insight and finesse, I will fill in the gaps with all my love.
And this week I also found I can for the first time since I was in my early 20s, cry--long, loud, quietly, bitter and hot tears. This past week those tears came often, unexpectedly and concurrently. A gaggle of tears for my ages old losses and at the same time, tears for the deep emotional suffering of my child. The choices of child's life are not mine, but hers. But as she is growing, examining, questioning and moving out of the safe into an unknown zone, I can, and I will stand by. And I just might cry a bit while I am at it.
I can seriously relate to this guy.
